Dimples Can Be Deadly
by Larabeelady
Summary: A short humorous story that was done in response to a challenge.


Dimples Can Be Deadly

By Larabeelady

**Disclaimer:** The boys don't belong to me, they belong to PetFly Productions and Paramount. No copyright infringement is intended. They will be returned unharmed. Beverly and Susie are my own creation. Please do not use them without permission.

This was written in response to a challenge. It required four things: (1) a lead male character in a dress, (2) paint, (3) a tumble in the hay (either a fall or sex), and (4) a pie in the face (accidentally or on purpose).

This story was originally posted at the Cascade Library under my other name and is being re-posted here.

_/_

_Cascade, WA_  
_Police Department_  
_Major Crimes Unit_

Detective Jim Ellison was sitting at his desk signing reports when the pair walked in. The woman was in her mid-thirties, tall and willowy. Her dark hair shined softly in the fluorescent lighting. Skipping next to her was the cutest little munchkin Jim had ever seen. The girl couldn't have been more than four years old, with blonde curls cascading down her back. The smudge of dirt on her cheek only highlighted her dimples. Her chocolate colored eyes gleamed with humor and mischief.

The woman stopped next to Jim's desk. "Excuse me," she said, "is Captain Banks in?"

Before he could answer, the door to the captain's office opened. Jim's superior, Simon Banks, walked out, followed by Captain Joel Taggart.

The moment the little girl spotted Simon, she squealed. "Mr. Simon, Mr. Simon," she cried. She rushed over to Simon and flung herself at the tall black man, as only a child who is sure of her welcome can do. Simon grabbed her before she ran into his legs, and swung her up in his arms. The grin on his face grew.

"Well, well, who have we here?" he said.

The little girl giggled. "It's me, Mr. Simon. Susie."

Simon cheerfully joined the game. "Susie? No, can't be. You're a big girl. Susie is just a little sprite."

"No, really, Mr. Simon. It's me, honest." She sounded so serious that Jim couldn't help but laugh.

Simon pretended to look at her closely, then shrugged. "Well, you _look_ like Susie and you _sound_ like Susie. Being the great detective I am, I'd have to say you must be Susie."

Susie giggled again and wrapped her arms around Simon's neck. Simon returned her hug, then turned his attention to the woman. Giving her a quick kiss on the cheek, he said, "Hi, Beverly. I figured I'd be seeing you soon."

The woman smiled. "Yes, it's that time of year again, Simon."

Simon introduced the guest. "Jim, Blair," he said, including the grad student who had just arrived. "This is Beverly Hicks, the chairwoman of Cascade PD's Widows and Orphans Fund. Beverly, this is Detective Jim Ellison and his partner, Blair Sandburg."

Both men shook hands with Beverly and Simon continued. "I think you already know Joel Taggart."

Joel nodded. "Nice to see you again, Beverly. Hello, Susie," he said to the girl.

"Hi, Mr. Joel."

Simon indicated the little girl. "And this little tyke is her daughter, Susie. Susie, this is Jim and Blair."

Susie smiled bashfully. "Hi, Mr. Jim. Hi, Mr. Blair." Then she hid her face against Simon's neck. All the adults laughed at Susie's actions.

"So, Beverly," Simon said, "I guess it's a coincidence that Susie came along just when you were going to be asking for volunteers for this year's fundraiser?"

Beverly shook her head. "It was Susie's idea. When she heard I was coming down here, she begged to come along." Beverly smiled, stroking her daughter's hair as Susie sat in Simon's arms. "She told me she wanted to visit her 'favoritest policeman.'"

"... in the whoooooole world," Susie chimed in, throwing her arms wide and giving Simon a big grin.

"Obviously, Susie's standards aren't very high yet," Blair joked in a voice soft enough that only Jim's sentinel hearing could have picked it up. When Jim chuckled, Simon threw both men a glare, certain they were up to something, but not sure just what.

"So, what is the plan this year, Beverly?" Simon asked. "And how can Major Crimes help out?"

"Well," she explained, "this year we are going to have a carnival. It will be open to the public. We'll have food, rides and games. Volunteers will be needed to man all the booths. We're also hoping that each department will do a skit of some kind."

"What kind of skit?" Blair inquired.

"Anything the department wants to do. Parking Enforcement is going to do a number from 'Chorus Line.' And Homicide has decided on a 'Keystone Kops' routine."

Simon thought that over. "Sounds like fun. We'll have to decide what to do, but you can definitely count us in."

"Thanks, Simon. I knew I could depend on you."

"I know what you can do, Mr. Simon. You could do 'Goldilocks and the Three Bears.' It's the bestest story ever!"

"It is, huh?" Simon murmured, his gaze focused on Blair. "And I think I know the perfect person to play Goldilocks. Right, Sandburg?"

Blair's eyes widened, and his hands came up in a gesture of surrender. "Uh, Simon..."

"That's silly, Mr. Simon. Mr. Blair can't be Goldilocks. He has to be Baby Bear, cuz he's so little."

"Yeah, Simon. I have to be Baby Blair, uh I mean, Bear. Susie says," Blair said quickly, so intent with trying to extricate himself from the role that he didn't even care about the remark on his height.

"Mr. Simon, _you_ be Goldilocks," Susie said firmly.

Simon's jaw dropped. "Me?"

Susie batted her eyelashes and grinned, her dimples peeking out. "Please, Mr. Simon. For me?" she begged.

"Yeah, please, Mr. Simon," Jim mimicked the girl's tone, smirking at Simon's discomfort.

Simon looked into Susie's sparkling brown eyes and knew he was lost. "All right," he reluctantly agreed. Susie clapped and Jim started laughing. Simon knew he had to figure out how to salvage his dignity and teach Jim a lesson... suddenly a thought occurred to him.

"And Mr. Jim can be Mama Bear." Jim's laughter abruptly broke off, only to be replaced with Jim's stammering refusals. Simon ignored him and looked at the youngster in his arms. "Right, Susie?"

"Uh-huh," Susie nodded. "And Mr. Joel can be Papa Bear."

"Well, that settles that," Simon remarked. "Beverly, mark your sheet that Major Crimes will be performing 'Goldilocks' for their skit. Just let us know the date."

"But, Simon, Captain..." Jim started to argue, but Simon cut him off.

"You wouldn't want to disappoint Susie, now would you, _Detective Ellison?_"

Jim swallowed, then gazed at the little girl watching him from her perch in Simon's arms. He sighed, knowing that there was no way he could refuse those dimples. "Of course not, Sir."

"Yay," Susie cried. "Mommy, they're gonna do 'Goldilocks.'"

Beverly smiled at her little charmer. "Yes, I heard, sweetie. You just love having all these big, macho men wrapped around your little finger, don't you?" Beverly asked her daughter, as she lifted her from Simon's arms.

Susie nodded enthusiastically. "Yep."

"Say goodbye, Susie. We have to get going. We have other people to talk to."

"Okay, Mommy. Bye Mr. Jim, Mr. Blair. Bye, Mr. Joel. Thank you, Mr. Simon."

"You're very welcome, Susie. You make sure your mommy brings you back to visit us again." Susie nodded, then she and Beverly left.

Jim and Simon stood side by side, trying to figure out just when they'd lost control of the situation. Neither man expected this day to end with them agreeing to parade around in front of their entire police force in dresses.

Blair clapped one hand on each man's shoulder. "Well, I guess you two had better start practicing walking around in high heels. We wouldn't want either of you to take the phrase 'break a leg' too literally." Blair laughed and quickly exited before either man could retaliate.

"Better sharpen your razors, too," Joel added. "I hear leg hair really does a number on them." He walked out, snickering.

Jim glared in the direction Joel and his unsympathetic partner had gone. "You know, Simon, it occurs to me that Blair is getting off way too easily in this."

Simon pulled a cigar out of his pocket and stuck it in his mouth. "You're right, Jim. Any ideas on how we can rectify that?"

"Give me time, Sir." Jim grinned evilly. "I'm sure I can think of something."

Simon laughed and slapped Jim on the back. "I know you can, Jim. I'll leave it up to you. Just let me know when you're going to do it, so I can have my camera ready." With that, Simon turned and marched back into his office, leaving the Sentinel to plan his revenge.

/

Much to Jim's disappointment, the day of the carnival dawned bright and sunny, a rarity for Cascade in the fall. Jim stood out on the balcony of the loft, cursing the weather, Simon, and his own inability to say no to brown eyes and dimples. It wasn't that Jim had anything against raising money for police widows and orphans, but he didn't relish the idea of parading around in front of most of the force and half the city in a _**dress**_. He sighed. Nothing to be done about it now, he thought. I'll just have to take the heat.

He walked back inside and picked up his "Mama Bear" costume. Well, it was better than what Simon had to wear, he thought, laughing to himself. Jim, at least, had the protection of the bear costume. Simon had to wear a red gingham dress, blonde wig and saddle shoes.

"Hey, ready to go, Mama?" Jim heard his partner ask. Jim narrowed his eyes. It was bad enough getting teased by the guys at work, but Blair lived with him. He couldn't even get away from it at home. Oh, was his partner gonna be sorry.

"Sure thing, Baby Blair," Jim retorted. Picking up his costume, he followed his partner out the door and they headed to the fairgrounds.

/

"... and they lived happily ever after." The voice of Detective Brian Rafe rang out over the fairgrounds, as he finished the last line of the fairy tale. The four performers on stage took a bow and headed for the sidelines. That's when they heard the woman's scream.

"Help. He's got a knife, he just stole my purse."

/

No one had ever accused Vinnie Winters of having an abundance of common sense. And the drugs he'd been injecting the last few years hadn't helped any. But trying to pick pockets at a carnival being given and attended by most of the city's police department had to be the height of stupidity. And now that damn banshee whose purse he'd just snatched was drawing the attention of those cops to him.

Vinnie saw all the eyes turn his way as the old bat pointed directly at him. He did the most intelligent thing he'd done all day. He dropped the purse and made a run for it. Most avenues of escape were cut off, but he saw an opening and headed for it. It led to a barn where they had baby animals for the kids to feed and pet. He ran in and scrambled up a ladder leading to the loft, not realizing that he was cutting off his only escape route.

Before he could try to find a place to hide, there was movement at the top of the ladder. Vinnie looked back to see a big, ugly black woman with blonde hair, with a cigar in her mouth and wearing gingham dress. And a... _lady bear?_ The junkie shook his head, trying to get rid of the image before him. Damn, he gotten some bad drugs before, but they _never_ gave him visions like this. But the bear was moving closer. A voice ordered him to put his hands up, but Vinnie was too busy trying to find a weapon to ward off the bear. He stumbled over some cans, picked one up and threw it as hard as he could.

/

Simon saw Jim duck as the perp threw the can at him. The can hit the support beam that Simon was standing next to. The top popped off and bright orange paint splattered all over him. It coated his wig and face, and was dripping off his cigar. _Damn, that was my last one,_ He thought fleetingly.

Simon watched as Jim tackled the suspect around the waist. They both rolled around on the floor, struggling. Then the perp threw Jim off, and grabbed another can, again aiming at Jim. Jim ducked once more, the can landing harmlessly somewhere behind him. Jim once more launched himself at the guy, catching him around the waist. But they were too close to the edge, and they both went over, plunging to the floor below. Simon yelled.

"Jim!"

/

Jim's landing was a lot softer than he had expected when he felt himself losing his balance. But somehow, he and the perp had managed to tumble onto a pile of hay, rather than the hard floor, or worse, a person.

Jim lay for a moment, trying to catch his breath. He could hear his fellow officers dragging the perp up from where he had landed. They cuffed him and read him his rights. The guy was muttering about 'why bears can't stay in the zoo where they belong.'

Jim didn't rise until he heard his partner come up. He could see the smile on his partner's face and knew, just _knew_, that Blair was about to make some smart-ass comment. Sure enough, seconds later Blair erupted into a fit of giggles.

"Gee, Jim, I thought it was unethical for a cop to take a tumble in the hay with a criminal," he said between snickers.

"Knock off the snide remarks and give me a hand. This costume is too damn heavy for me to get up without help."

He held a hand out to Blair, who gripped it and helped him to his feet.

They both had to stifle giggled as Simon came down the ladder, dripping in orange paint and cursing under his breath. He glared at both men. "Don't even start. I don't want to hear it," he said sternly, then turned and walked away. As soon as they figured he was out of earshot, both Jim and Blair let loose with the laughter.

"Man, I wish I'd had my camera with me," Blair stammered. That would have made a great picture."

/

One week later, Beverly and Susie once again made an appearance in Major Crimes. This time, to thank the detectives for all their help with the carnival.

"So," asked Joel, "how much did you raise?"

"Well over $200,000, Joel. We've decided to make the carnival an annual event."

"That's a lot of money, Beverly. All that from a carnival?"

"Actually, Simon, you and Jim brought in most of that money. The woman whose purse got snatched was none other than the wife of Cyclops Oil's CEO. Her husband made a **very** generous contribution as a thank you."

Jim came into the bullpen carrying a plain white box with the familiar logo of a local bakery. He looked around, and his eyes lit up when he saw Beverly and Susie in Simon's office with him and Joel. He walked in and set the box down on Simon's desk. "Good morning, everyone. Beverly, I'm glad you two are here. Any chance I could borrow Susie for a few minutes?"

Beverly was perplexed, but agreeable. "Sure, Detective Ellison."

Jim crouched down in front of the little girl. "Susie, I have a favor I'd like you to do for me." He looked around the room, then stood up and held out his hand. "Come with me," he said to Susie. "We'll be right back," he told the others. "Simon, get your camera ready," he said with a wink.

Ten minutes later, Blair walked in and dropped his backpack onto the floor by Jim's desk. He joined the trio still talking in Simon's office, asking, "Hey, where's Jim?"

"He took Susie on a little tour. He should be back any time now," Simon stated.

Sure enough, a few minutes later, Jim and Susie walked back through the bullpen and into Simon's office. Susie ran right up to Blair.

"Mr. Blair, Mr. Blair, I've got a surprise for you," she said, her hands hidden behind her back. Everyone but Blair could see that her hands were empty. Blair grinned at the little girl and crouched down on the floor.

"You do, huh? Well, it just so happens that I love surprises. What is it?"

"You gotta close your eyes."

Blair smiled and dutifully closed his eyes. Jim watched with wicked satisfaction as he handed Susie the pie from the bakery box. Susie took the pie and pushed it right in Blair's face, smearing it over his curly brown hair just like Jim had instructed her. The little girl giggled and hid behind Jim's legs, as Blair began sputtering and protesting.

"Hey, man," he said, trying to wipe the pie filling out of his eyes in order to see. As he did, he could hear the click of a camera shutter and Jim and Simon laughing. He knew this was Jim and Simon's revenge for the remarks he'd made in the past few weeks. He'd known this was coming. But he couldn't let Jim and Simon have the last laugh. That just wouldn't do.

Standing up straight, he marched up to Jim and poked his partner in the chest with his finger. "I know you put her up to this, Jim," Blair growled. "It's bad enough to do something this childish and immature, but to involve an innocent child, Jim. How could you?"

Blair felt a tug on his pant leg and looked down into Susie's tearful eyes. "Mr. Blair, are you mad at me?" she asked, her bottom lip trembling. Blair glared at Jim as he answered the little girl.

"Of course I'm not mad at you, Susie. I know Jim is the one responsible for this. I know something else, too." He looked over Jim's shoulder and winked at Simon. Simon got the message and raised the camera to his eye.

"What, Mr. Blair?" Susie asked.

Blair smiled. "I know that chocolate cream is Jim's favorite." Before Jim could ascertain Blair's intentions, his partner had grabbed Jim by the shoulders and kissed him on the lips, smearing Jim with the whipped cream and chocolate that was on his face. Leaving Jim stuttering and wiping his face behind him, Blair turned his attention to Simon as the man lowered the camera. "Come to think of it, chocolate cream is Simon's favorite, too."

Simon backed up, putting distance between him and Blair. "Sandburg, don't even think about it."

"Oh, c'mon Simon, you know you **love** chocolate cream pie. It would be selfish of me not to share."

"Sandburg, I'm warning you..."

Blair cackled and continued advancing on the captain, who scooted out of his office and into the bullpen. Simon raised his hands, warning the observer, "Sandburg, remember I'm your captain. Sandburg, this was all Jim's idea, really. He never told me what he was going to do. Sandburg, Blair..."

Simon continued to back up, trying to keep a desk between him and Blair. When he ran out of furniture, he grabbed Detective Brown, hiding behind him until he made it to the door. He rushed out and down the stairs, with Blair in hot pursuit.

Susie looked around the room. Everyone was laughing, even Mr. Jim, who was trying to wipe the pie off his face. Susie looked up at her mother. "Mommy, you should tell them not to play with their food. You're good at that."

**The End**


End file.
